She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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