If i come over, it means nothing
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
