Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
