I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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