Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Are my feet made of real feet?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
