it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
