I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
