I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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