i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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