Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
