It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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