Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
