You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
