he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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