a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We are all done wearing pants today
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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