So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
