Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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