I didn't shave. On purpose
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
