I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
