Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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