Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
