I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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