I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
