he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize