Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
