Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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