rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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