party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
