Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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