cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
