walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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