I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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