last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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