I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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