Nicole vs. Life
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
