you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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