This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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