the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
