I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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