I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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