I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
