I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
