Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize