my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
