She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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