The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
