I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize