yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm always down for nudity.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
