I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
