the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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