i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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