It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Please don't give away my fajitas
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
