Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Even the bartender felt bad for me
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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