Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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