saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
