Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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