As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Semen is not good for contacts.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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