When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
