Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize