so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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