You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
