Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
