so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
