i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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